destruction and rebirth

Rebirth and destruction; two supposedly opposite words, so contrary to each other. For me, they're almost synonymous, or if not, one needs the other. Destruction: chaos. Rebirth: light. Pain before joy. Darkness before lucidity. Destruction before rebirth. So, following my own logic, I need them to finish destroying me so I can achieve healing, my rebirth. Perhaps that way I'll be able to free myself from my mind and what disturbs me. For some reason, I confuse concepts, I crave pain, forgetting the relief I really need. I seek to feel, I seek to live, I search in the wrong places, in the wrong people. I search for the wrong ways to save myself, even though I know I'm wrong. Maybe I seek what I think I deserve, I seek my suffering because it's the easiest thing to achieve, so I don't have to struggle. To avoid fighting for what would save me. To avoid confronting myself, to avoid appearing weak. It's better to take the reins and pretend you're in control, even if you're really being controlled.