DEEP DESPAIR

floating in the abyss not knowing what I feel and falling deeply I cannot climb out I find comfort instead as it is the only place I've known for a long time . I don't want to feel like this but the depths of my soul won't let me I want to walk away, but I can't ,as I'm pulled back every time. I can no longer fathom feeling something other than this despair All other emotion is foreigner to me and I cannot allow it because I feel like I do not deserve it. people will tell me a deserve to be happy but I do not believe them as I am still trying to find my place in this chaotic life and world. I wouldn't mind not being here anymore but it feels wrong not wanting to be a part of all that everyone seems to love so much. I try every time but I'm left exhausted, drained and I just give up I'm so out of reach that I just stopped trying as nothing amuses my banished soul in the abyss of despair and self loathing.