Dear Dad

You died and became a memory, A faded photograph, A video too painful to watch, A voice I struggle to remember, A dream I hope I have tonight. The smell of engine oil sparking memories of childhood, Sitting curled upon your knee, safe, My head pressed against your chest, The rise and fall of your breath And your voice echoing through your ribcage. Blowing out the match after you lit your cigarette. The familiar, gentle ticking of your watch, its face stained with diesel, Lulling me, I'm safe... I'm loved. Your special wink and smile that always said "It's ok, you can do this". But this time dad, what if I can't? There are no pills I can swallow, There are no drugs I can take to bring you back. I close my eyes, I screw them tightly shut but as hard and add much as I try, I still can't see you there. My silent tears fall in the dead of night, while whispering prayers for you to come back, So I can tell you everything, every feeling, every ounce of pain I have to hold inside, To tell you the things I should have said, the things I always said, the things I didn't say enough. To just be with you.