crying out to mum

so im hurt and always on alert from trauma from losing you, Mama that left a scar or two now I get attached to people so soon, like glue but now im pail blue all these people are rude if I can't find my people, I'm screwed I can't read my mind. All my thoughts just flew, and my dream has blew will I be better soon I'm just so misunderstood had go without you and I'm sorry, mom I'm not good enough life without you has gotten really tough. I'm sorry I can't do it put a smile on my face so people don't think I'm in a depression phase and I always feel hated and replaced but in this case I'm proud I did well I'm doing fu**ing great but for that, why is it such a low rate? and why am I so hated and betrayed now? im used to it. I just feel so blue and numb. Maybe this could all be a dream a dream full of gleam and hurt, but it's the worst, and I wish I could see you again, mom this is all so dumb maybe I should just end it all and take that fall leave my own life just take that knife to my neck but I'm such a nervous wreck just to much regret now everything has turned into a threat social anxiety has me down now my thoughts go round and sound great but bad make everyone happy by dying...