Bruised and bloody

whats so wrong with me? This is who i im or ment to be if I went back in time I tell myself this is where you deserve to be this is what you deserve to see the deafening feeling in the air But when i hurt myself they stare at my pain Wishing they can just take it away a sinkhole is forming in my stomach the Earth is opening up and swallowing me whole I look in the barrel of the shotgun I tried to pull the trigger but my fingers are too cold Why can't i feel this way Why can't i taste the blood in my mouth as your hitting my face but you said you love me when you did it so please its okay my bones are bruised and bloody my mind is worn and tired I love how much you poison my thoughts permeating above the surface it's always on the cortex of my mind but I love you anyways you're a terrible person you're downright awful at what point do you become the bad person in your life but instead of being scared when you took the knife I accepted the blade in my esophagus swallowing it Like razor blades down my throat gurgling blood in the bathtub I'm my own enemy can't you see I'm against me I'm waging a war against what's left Of who i am But why am I am I enjoying this so much?