Born to watch

When will I start living? When will I wake up and feel excited? When will I enjoy a day, not get through it I don't know when this started Maybe I've always been this way Yet too young to realize it Or maybe I made myself this way And set an unachievable goal But is it so unachievable to want to wake up? To have a group who cares for you? To be happy? Everywhere I look, I see people laughing But I am left to watch Left to envy the one thing I want in life To feel included To not be a stranger in someone's life They say envy is the killer of joy And maybe they're right I should enjoy what I have But is that true when your only friend is a dog? Is that true when the last time you felt at peace was five years ago? Part of me still has hope Hope that I will find my people But after so many years I wonder if I'm born to watch