always

this is how it is always going to be any respite happiness brings is an illusion I will always fall back into this feeling heart racing stomach sinking mental anguish my hopeful heart buried under a lifetime of regrets, of missing people forever gone, of self loathing and mental illness I will always betray myself to make it easy just to live in a wish of going back and changing changing every fucking thing replacing every version of myself with one that was better one that could have been good enough but the past has passed and what remains is what always remains this feeling and knowing this feeling so deeply knowing it will always be in here with me wrapping me up warm and safe and so insurmountably sad in the desolation of everything I have built and torn down again and again and again this is just how it is how it has been for as long as I can remember and how it will be for as long as I can take this is the always that this life will be